EXCLUSIVE: SEBASTIAN KURZ REVEALS ALL!
„Kurz is writing a book about himself“, an Austrian newspaper headlined a few weeks ago, apparently not trusting their readers to know the meaning of the word „autobiography“. Austria's former chancellor is by now an international man of mystery, and as an international something of mystery myself, your Secret Columnist can confirm that this report is true.
There is much secrecy about the manuscript, but I am in possession of a fragment from the personal diaries of Sebastian Kurz, which the book will be based on. (How, you ask? I cannot tell you, because a serious journalist like me never reveals their sources.) It's a quite recent diary entry, and it deals with Basti's new job as a „Global Strategist“ for the business empire of American billionaire Peter Thiel. For the convenience of our own global readership, I have translated it from Viennese into English, to publish it exclusively here on whenwherewh.at!
Having Daddy Peter as a boss is ur leiwand (no translation available)!
We have this great personal connection and a lot of fun together. From time to time I ask him: „By the way, Peter, what IS our global strategy?“ Then he would pretend to get angry and impatient with me, and say something like „YOU`RE asking ME? That is YOUR job! That's what I'm paying YOU for!“ And I would say „Ha ha, of course! I knew that! Ha ha ha!“ I always make little jokes like this to lighten the mood, that's why people like me so much.
But today, Daddy Peter has a very serious look on his face.
„Mr Kurz, I called you in today because...“
„Call me Basti!“
„Mr Kurz, as you know, I require regular medical check-ups from all my employees. This morning our company doctor sent me the results of your blood test. She says you've been complaining about a persistent fever and night sweats recently?“
„Ha ha, that's nothing to worry about, Peter! I already told that lady doctor that I know why I have a fever. I am literally burning for this company, and for you, Peter! I am a passionate business animal. I have business fever, ha ha!“ Peter sighs.
„Business fever is not a real thing, Mr Kurz. You have tested positive for Syphilis, Chlamydia and Monkeypox. Dr Birx says this is the first case of monkeypox that she came across in her whole career, so she wants to do a second test. You need to urgently...“
I cannot hear the rest of what he says, because I am shocked, shocked and outraged! How can Daddy Peter trust this woman doctor? She is such a Schastrommel! (no translation available) Monkeypox, that's ridiculous. Who ever heard of such a thing? I bet she is one of those 'woke' people who keep making stuff up, just to annoy successful and confident businessmen like me and keep them from reaching their global strategy goals. Peter himself had warned me about them. But I'll show them! I storm out of Peter's office, more determined than ever to prove to Daddy Peter what a valuable asset I am, with all my personal connections, I mean professional and businessmen connections and such things.
I am going to that boat party in Gran Canaria, no matter what!
This is where the diary entry ends. But be sure to stay tuned for more revelations to come!
As always, I remain loyal only to you, my Dear Readers.
Your trustworthy Secret Columnist